I must return.

I looked back on how long it has been since I wrote at all. When I first got started it was at the advise from a social work at Hospices of the Valley that doing this on a regular schedule would be go for me.

I believe it was for a while. I took it on with hopes it would maybe help others too. But I feel that it was not going in that direction. But for me the past few years have not gone the way of my dreams.

For the someone who may not have read my story, I have my husband in a care center.
It is called Good Shepherd. They are very wonderful to him. My husband has Alzheimer.
It was diagnosed about four 1/2 years ago. After several months he began having violet attacks. The last one he really hurt me a lot. We called his doctor and he advised that we get someone to take him to the Del Webb. Hospital. I was not to go with them and that I would not see him for at least a month. (Its important to know that action was not Paul, Paul is a very sweet and tender loving man, and would not hurt anyone) During this time they worked on balancing out his meds. In the mean time I was looking for an approved place that could provide for his needs that I could expend. Emanuel Care center was just a couple of blocks from my house and it was great. It was just what Paul needed at that time.After about 3years he began to be go down hill. He know had Parkin's Decide also.

He finally was transferred to Good Shepherd after Hospice of the Valley relieved him from Emanuel and cared for him for a few weeks while I could find an other place with more knowledge and more needful care. We were told that He only had 3-6 mos left. But they gave him such wonderful care that he began to do a lot better. He was realisted from Hospice about 3 months ago. Now they just take good care of him. And no one has the slighted idea how long he will stay here on earth.

Over the months he has had very different things he remembers and forget. They, the care givers stay on top to keep the pain in his back comfortable and him not shacking because of the Parkin's. But they do not over medicate him.
He is always clean and they feed he very good food.

Some days he knows who I am and sometimes he has no knowledge of who I am.
The other day he was sure I was his grandmother. And asking about his Aunt Kat.
One time lately he was very concern about not getting his newspapers delivered.
I convinced him that his Supervisor was taking care of them.
He seems that He is mostly happy there. However I never know when he ups and asks when does he get to come back home with me.

This has gone on for almost 41/2 years.
I feel so sorry for him, and know he needs me there as often as I can. But I am finding it really hard to talk myself into going over there to see him.
I have been having anxiety attacks they are getting worse. I had to have help getting home and some to bring my car home. I was in Sacrament Meeting and it was really great. I had not been worrying are upset or eaten the wrong foods. It just came on suddenly. The meeting was going to be closed down in 15-20 minutes, so I just sat there feeling like I might faint or fall over or something. They say I had turned very white, and they very concerned. I got Geni a dear friend to drive me home and Bhip. Imgrum and Pres. Welch got my car home for me. While they were here they gave me a Priesthood blessing. I was very grateful for it.

Somethings are going right in my life, none with Melissa Conway engaged to be married in the Mesa Temple in March. He is such a nice fellow. They seem to really be in love. Travis is a return missionary and a very nice man. He looks like a really nice keeper.

Tomorrow I should go to see Paul. But I'm not sure I am up to it. Most of the time he doesn't know it is me. But he is so glad that someone is there talking to him.
It is really hard, and I don't think there is a single person that truly understands.